In a statement to the press earlier today, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized for recent comments comparing Assad to Hitler. The beleaguered Spicer then went on to express his regret about virtually every life decision he’s made leading up to this point:
“Honestly, I don’t even know how I ended up here. It all feels like a bad dream.”
Weeping openly, Spicer described in detail his upbringing in Rhode Island by parents who were just doing their best. The press secretary then reflected on his misguided optimism as a student of government at Connecticut University, followed by his downward spiral into partisan politics. This eventually lead to his current position force-feeding the ideas of the most unpopular man in America to the public.
“Anyway, sorry again about the Hitler thing” Spicer concluded, wiping the tears from his eyes and attempting to compose himself before sulking off the podium. Ị