Minnesota Winter: 5 Survival Tips Your Life Almost Certainly Depends On

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As Minnesotans prepare for the first major snow fall of the year, it is a perfect time to plan out how you will survive the next several months of horrific weather, miserable driving conditions, and virtual solitude in your home. As usual, Intelligencer has you covered with these five tips for getting through it all alive and (relatively) sane.

1.) Say Your Goodbyes: If you have friends or family who live beyond walking distance from your home, this may be the last chance you have to say your farewells in person. Some of us won’t make it to spring, so don’t leave anything left unsaid. It only takes a moment to say “I love you”, and not saying it could haunt you for the rest of your life.

2.) Stock Up On Supplies: We don’t like to call it hoarding, but that’s pretty much what it is. Focus on the essentials: drugs and alcohol. When a blizzard hits, the last thing you’ll want to do is wait in line at the liquor store or ask your dealer to drive over. For all you know, he or she might have a family or a pet or something. Oh, and get some food too (if you have time).

3.) Find A Hobby: Staying occupied is a crucial part of warding off the insanity that inevitably comes for us all during the long winter, and you can only watch Netflix for so long. We recommend something constructive, but really anything will do. Have you ever considered reading old magazines over and over again in search of hidden messages from the government? This is a great time to start!

4.) Plan A Fictional Vacation: Even if you can’t afford to fly away to Mexico this winter, there is no one stopping you from pretending. Plan every detail of the trip, think about it constantly, and tell all your friends how excited you are. Soon, even you will start to believe that you are going to escape the frozen wasteland your home state has become. These delusions are healthy and actually a vital coping mechanism.

5.) Buy A Snow Blower: Seriously, it’s time to get a Goddamn snow blower. How many heart attacks is too many? Our motto is never do something yourself that fossil fuels can do for you. It’s 2014 for Christ’s sake.

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