Vikings To Audubon Society: “Fuck Birds”

An artist’s rendering of the $975 million bird-killing behemoth

DOWNTOWN, MINNEAPOLIS – Responding to a recent call by the National Audubon Society to add bird-safe glass to the team’s new stadium budget, the Minnesota Vikings have released an official statement turning down the request. “Fuck birds,” the statement began, going on to say that if they want bird-safe glass they can fucking pay for it. The Audubon Society has voiced concerns that the 200,000 square feet of windows included in the stadium design could pose a risk for thousands of migrating birds, but using bird-safe glass could reduce the risk and would only add $1.1 million to the $975 million project. However Michele Kelm-Helgen, chairwoman of the Minnesota Sports Facility Authority, says that cost is just too high, especially considering they just added over $1 million to the budget for more television screens. “One of the design goals was to create a building that was more connected and integrated with the community than the Metrodome had been,” Kelm-Helgen said. “We sure as hell aren’t going to let some stupid birds fuck it up.”

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